‘The job broke me but also put me back together’
21 May 2020
Officers who are struggling with their mental health are being encouraged to seek help.
That is the message this Mental Health Awareness Week from West Mercia Sergeant Sara Goodman, a mental health first aider (MHFA).
“Loads of people are feeling like you and you would never even guess it,” said Sara in a message to colleagues, “It’s actually a relief to admit it.
“Life is hard. Take every opportunity of help in whatever you do. You don’t need to be a superhero. Asking for help is not a failure, not asking is.”
Mum of three Sara has spoken about her own experiences with her mental health to help encourage members to open up about their wellbeing.
“I had, on and off, suffered with my mental health but always managed to keep a lid on it,” said Sara, who joined the Force aged 24 in 1996. “In 2004, I was diagnosed with post-natal depression but had been at work the whole time. It was only when a close friend noticed I was struggling that I sought help from the GP. I was put on anti-depressants and recovered well and carried on as normal.
“But when I returned to response police work and 24-hour shifts in 2017, I found I was really struggling.”
Sara said the main issue was being unable to sleep during the day.
“I’m naturally an early to bed, early riser and going to bed at 8am threw my body clock,” she said. “I’d wake up after two hours and often be unable to get back to sleep. This had a huge impact on my ability to function and things went from bad to worse.”
There were other factors too.
“The fact I was managing a response shift that was supposed to have six staff and I was regularly parading one or two,” she said. “We were in a rural community and back up was 10 to 30 minutes away, depending on where on patch you were,” she explained.
“I’d always been glad to lead from the front and this meant I would often go in first, to show my staff they were well supported. Consequently, I dealt with lots of very nasty incidents, deaths, grief, assaults.
“I was then given a second large rural patch to cover at the same time and when I tried to raise an issue about something that could have caused the organisation a lot of grief I was berated by a senior officer for not keeping my mouth shut, despite the incident being mentally detrimental to both me and another officer.
“Finally, I was subject to a complaint which put me under a criminal investigation. The day I was told that I started crying and did not stop for a month.”
She added: “The whole time I refused to let my work know, as in the police there was such a stigma. I was hoping to get promoted to inspector and I knew they would not support me if I went sick.
“I was ashamed of not being able to cope and felt old and assumed people would think of me as the washed-up, middle-aged woman on the shift.”
Sara said that her mood was so low she began to feel suicidal and started to plan how to take her own life
“Thankfully, I realised I was not going to get out of this without help,” she said. “Getting help was easy once I started the process. The hardest part was realising I needed help and taking the step of asking for it.”
Sara contacted PAM Assist, the Employee Assistance Programme, and completed a questionnaire for anxiety and depression scoring.
“I scored so high we joked if I was doing A-Levels I’d have my choice of uni,” she said.
Sara was referred to a psychologist and to welfare. And because of the ongoing complaint, West Mercia Police Federation chair Sarah Cooper and conduct lead Lesley Williams got in touch with her.
“They were both amazing,” Sara said. “They were so supportive and not just about the complaint stuff. I had multiple meetings with the Federation, welfare and psychologist Dr Tracey Lavis.
“I also had meetings with friends and colleagues who gave me so much support and helped to dissolve the feelings of uselessness and failure that were overwhelming me most of the time.
“My staff on B Shift at Malvern and Evesham visited me at home to help me get over my fear of the police service and without the support of Superintendents Steph Brighton, Sean Kent and Damian Pettit, I would not have been able to return to work and become as well as I am today.”
Sara added: “Without them all I would probably be dead. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. And I would definitely not have been able to come back as a police officer.”
Sara took six months off work. She also went to Flint House, the police rehabilitation centre, for a fortnight two months after her return to work.
“I knew it was the right thing to do,” she said. “I couldn’t cope with the pressure of trying to pretend I was okay anymore. It’s so exhausting.”
Sara said Supt Brighton and Supt Kent played key roles in helping her return to work.
“They bent over backwards to find me a role that meant I could recover and also become a contributing police officer again, which meant I regained my identity and purpose,” she said. “This was very significant in my recovery.”
Sara added: “It’s ironic it was the job that broke me but also the job that put me back together. I do believe it’s helped me become a stronger person and more emotionally intelligent, not just in myself but with others too.
“I’ve now been supported to train others in mental health first aid and also run an investigative department which assists officers when recuperating from physical or mental illness, while still giving them a purpose and important work as they recover.”
“This in turn helps keep me well.”
Sara says she is mindful of the steps she needs to take to maintain her wellbeing. They include sleep, being outdoors and contacting friends.
“I make sure I have a break from my workstation, go for a walk and actually say no if I’m already committed with things,” she said.
“I have a list of friends to call if I’m feeling bad or I just accept if I need to be alone. I do yoga and mindfulness and listen to meditations to help calm my mind if I have trouble dropping off to sleep – I always thought that was rubbish before!”
Sara added: “I’m feeling great. Like everyone I have up and down days but being so much more aware now of what I need makes it easier for me to deal with it and stop it getting into a big thing.”
Find out more about Mental Health Awareness Week.
- Anyone concerned about their own mental wellbeing or that of a colleague can get in touch with the Federation office or their local Federation representative.
Officers can also access help through the Force welfare officers, PAM Assist and, for those in the Group Insurance Scheme, support is available through Health Assured Mental Health Counselling - details of which are available in the scheme booklet.
Organisations offering support include:
The Welfare Support Programme, and
