Baby Loss Awareness Week: Fed member opens up about the reality of miscarriage

12 October 2023

A West Midlands Police Federation member has opened up about the reality of experiencing a miscarriage as she tells how not talking about it led to years of guilt, blaming herself and not being able to enjoy her next pregnancy.

Like so many other expectant parents, the moment Emily Dooley saw that the pregnancy test was positive, she had planned the next 18 years of her unborn child’s life.

She and her former partner Jase Dooley, deputy chair of West Midlands Police Federation, who she was engaged to at the time, were11 weeks pregnant when they experienced a miscarriage. Although she had experienced no pain, she noticed some light spotting, which led to her going to the hospital to be checked out.

“I was sent to the early pregnancy unit for a scan, which is when the nurse said I was only measuring five weeks,” said 37-year-old Emily, who miscarried in 2014.

“I remember the nurse saying to me, I don’t think the baby is alive. I can’t find a heartbeat. She was very nice but very matter-of-fact, although I suppose you have to be. I know, if she had given me any glimpse of hope that my baby was still alive, I would’ve latched onto that.

“It was horrible. I don’t recall too much more about what else was said, all I know is that I felt like I was surrounded by other people getting such positive news.

“I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t happening but the bleeding only got heavier. I felt so much guilt - like it was my fault, like I’d done something wrong. I now know it was nothing I did.”

Emily is now sharing her experience to mark this year’s Baby Loss Awareness Week (9-15 October) and to support other Fed members who might have shared a similar experience.

“After it happened my main focus became getting pregnant again,” continued police officer Emily, who was a staff member in the Force at the time.

“Jase was emotional for a couple of days and then it seemed like he just got on with it. I know that wasn’t him being malicious - I think that reaction is pretty common from men, especially police officers.

“I found it really difficult though, especially because five of my colleagues in the control room were pregnant at the time. I guess I was the statistic.”

Three months later the couple fell pregnant again.

“I must’ve been a nightmare to be around during that time. Even when I fell pregnant again I couldn’t enjoy it. I took around five to 10 pregnancy tests each day for the first three months, I was obsessed with making sure it was happening,” said Emily.

“I think people underestimate the emotional trauma a person can go through when they experience miscarriage. Whatever stage a person is when they lose a baby, they are still losing their baby.”

Eight years on, Emily and Jase who are no longer together, co-parent Olivia, their daughter.

Emily added: “The challenges didn’t stop when Olivia was born. I suffered quite bad Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and looking back, that was probably because I didn’t give myself the time to grieve for the baby.

“It’s made me realise just how important it is to talk about it.”

Emily Dooley (right) with her daughter Olivia, has spoken about the reality of miscarriage for Baby Loss Awareness Week.

Although Emily received support for her mental health from the doctor, she admits the experience has definitely left her with some anxieties.

“What happened had a big impact on me and my life,” she explained. “But the more I ended up talking about it, the more I realised I wasn’t the only person going through this. Hearing other people’s stories definitely makes you feel like you’re not as crazy as you once thought.”

As well as speaking up about her own experience, Emily is encouraging fellow members to reach out for support if they need it.

She said: “If anybody is reading this who might’ve experienced similar, then I want you to know you’re not alone. I know how you feel and I’m here if you want to talk. Nobody said that to me - and if they had, I might’ve opened up a lot sooner than now.”

Looking back, Jase says he now understands he didn’t give Emily enough support when she needed it most.

“I think because it hadn’t happened to me physically, I could only see her hurting and upset but didn’t feel what she was feeling, if that makes sense,” said Jase, who was mid-40s at the time.

“My coping mechanism was just switching off. I put the whole thing to the back of my mind and tried to forget about it. I went to work and made that my focus. But that wasn’t the right thing to do and I know that now.”

Jase admits he was ignorant and feels he ‘let Emily down’.

“We can’t forget that being a cop changes you as a person - it changes how you deal with trauma. Remember, we see hundreds of bad things throughout our career, and you have to find a way to deal with it. But, as a result, you deal with your own trauma differently - at least in my case, anyway.

“But that didn’t help Emily and I can see that now.”